Grief and Surviving the Holidays

AARP Virginia along with Celebrate Helping Hands of Fredericksburg sponsored a community event called Grief and Surviving the Holidays on December 2. The program was held at the Riverside Lodge in the Celebrate by Del Webb senior community. The purpose of the event was to offer support to the community residents who are experiencing grief. Approximately 45 people attended.

Each guest enjoyed a banquet of heavy hors d‘oeuvres, hot cider, and an assortment of desserts that added to the festive environment. Many of the guests agreed that as they entered the banquet hall, the environment immediately uplifted their spirits. The room was beautifully decorated with lights and Christmas centerpieces on each table.

An icebreaker allowed people to share their feelings about the holidays. Attendees were told that whether they had lost a loved one recently, earlier this year or many years ago, opening up and permitting themselves to express the grief they’re experiencing, is the beginning of healing. Additionally, participants learned that grief is a journey that must be recognized. Nothing helps more than hearing testimonies from people who are actively working through the pain of loss. Here are a few testimonies from the attendees:

· One man was grieving the loss of his two brothers and a sister-in-law whom he lost within the same year. One of his brothers was known for making homemade coconut pies. The man decided to honor his brother by using his brother’s recipe and making coconut pies for the family’s holiday gatherings.

· A couple of guests had lost children to suicide. One shared several ways she coped with losing her son which seemed to give hope to the other guests.

· Another woman lost her husband of sixty-two years and said she was uncertain about how she would face her first Christman without him. By merely attending the event, she gained encouragement.

Loneliness is real and tips were shared on how to minimize the stress that comes with the loss of a loved one, as well as the loss of a pet. Eva J. Brown, PhD, a licensed grief counselor, gave a moving presentation on how to minimize the stress of grief. The mistress of ceremony, Stephanie Burroughs Saffold, kept the event lively and expressed compassion to those experiencing grief, sharing how she too had lost her husband.

Some of the highlights of the presentation included the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Brown also taught that the five stages don’t always present in a specific order or sequence. Many times, depression is brought on because individuals are bargaining with themselves. Those who think they are responsible for the loss, may fall into a cycle of questioning themselves -- they might think if they could change something they did, the loss would not have occurred. She said those who grieve must not give up on being healed and being able to go forward in life. Some tips that will help those who are grieving not just survive but thrive after losing a loved one are listed below. These are not exhaustive, but are a starting point in the healing process:

· Plan ahead ~ the decisions are yours

· Ignore “should,” “could,” “would” haves

· Accept limitations; give yourself grace

· Celebrate different feelings and preferences

· Research before reaching

· Allow help

· Partake in physical activities

· Use breathing techniques when encountering triggers

· Accept what you cannot change

· This is not the end of your story

· Take care of yourself

· Refocus in your “safe” space

· Do something productive

· Keep loving despite your pain

· Find comfort in comforting others

Brown added a sixth stage of grief called “Hope and a Meaningful Life.” One must find purposeful things to do. Find passions by exploring enjoyable activities and understand that self-care is not selfish.

The program ended with participants lighting a candle and singing Christmas carols with the songstress Laura Artis, an AARP volunteer.

Celebrate Helping Hands (CHH) is a community organization that supports the needs of the residents. Whether it’s running errands for a sick person, taking someone to an appointment, or shopping for a person who can’t drive, the organization’s purpose is to assist the community with free services. Some of the other benefits of the program are: preparing meals for short periods during illness or recovery from an injury or surgery, visitation for those who need a non-medical volunteer to sit with a loved one for a few hours or a visit with someone who is housebound, small repairs and maintenance needs such as changing light bulbs or smoke detector batteries, hanging pictures or performing other small jobs which are beyond the residents’ current ability and sending cards of encouragement to those who are ill, grieving a loss, or just need encouragement.

CHH was launched in 2018 and is a thriving organization in that community. Having a safe place to decompress and knowing that people care about one another and are willing to be their neighbor’s keeper are monumental needs, especially after a life-changing event. According to its president and founder, Juanita Channel, CHH is supported entirely by donations.